Motherless Daughters: The Legacy of Loss, Second Edition
Motherless Daughters: The Legacy of Loss, Second Edition
A classic bestseller, now newly expanded and updated-the book that first acknowledged “mother loss,” a woman’s most profoundly life-altering passage
An instant bestseller in both hardcover and paperback, Hope Edelman’s Motherless Daughters explores the myriad ways that losing a mother can affect almost every aspect and passage of a woman’s life. First published a decade ago, it is still the book that motherless daughters of all ages look to for understanding and comfort and that they press into each other’s hands.
Building on interviews with hundreds of mother- loss survivors, this life-affirming book is now newly expanded to reflect the author’s personal experience with the continued legacy of mother loss; now married and a mother of young children herself, Edelman better understands how the effects of mother loss change over time and in light of new relationships.
A work of stunning courage and honesty, Motherless Daughters is a must read for the millions of women whose mothers have gone, but whose need for healing, mourning, and mothering remains. It is a timeless classic.
Edelman shares her own painful story and the stories of many other women who, as children or adults, lost their mothers. She explains the stages of grief and adjustment. She considers the secondary effects that can occur: the girl-child filling the lost mother’s role at home for father and younger siblings. If you’ve lost your mother, you no longer have to face it alone.
User Ratings and Reviews
5 Stars Helpful Book
I came upon this book many years ago. I lost my mother when I was 19. To sum it up, this book helped save my life. I finally knew I wasn’t crazy or alone in all the feelings I was experiencing. I would recommend this book to anyone, particularly someone who lost their mother when they were young.
4 Stars May be helpful if you look for similarities, not differences
I am really struck, reading the reviews (esp the ones who gave it one or two stars,) how much we all believe our pain is worse than others. That’s OK - there’s nothing wrong with it. But person after person writes that she has a had time believing that other people’s pain is as bad as theirs - theirs is worse because their mother died young, or because their mother died when they were older, or…. One woman even commented that the book didn’t address her situation because Ms. Edelman lost her mother to cancer and only mentioned heart disease “a couple of times.” That’s the point - that the pain of loss is the pain of loss, regardless of the circumstances. Ms. Edelman is not trying to make light of anyone’s pain. Look beyond the details and you may find some help or comfort. If you are looking for reasons to feel unique and misunderstood, you’ll find them - here, or anywhere else you look. Is it suited for everyone in every situation who’s lost their mother? Of course not - no book is. If you are willing to look beyond circumstances to the emotions many of us share regardless of how we lost our mother this book could help. I didn’t lose my mother to illness. I lost her to her own woundedness, which continues to keep us from having a loving bond. That doesn’t mean this book doesn’t have something to offer me - if I choose to look beyond the details to the heart of Ms. Edelman’s point.
4 Stars Like Snow White and Cinderella
Hope Edelman created a painstakingly researched and written tome on the subject of a girl’s loss of a mother. Ms. Edelman knows of what she writes. It’s clear from the dedication to the epilogue that the book is a dedication to her own mother who died in 1981. I’m sure the exercise was as practical as it was cathartic for the author.
What I like about “Motherless Daughters” is - more than the research, more than Ms. Edelman’s portrayals of her own experience, and more than the “case studies” of the scores of other motherless daughters who the author interviewed for the book - the practical “what to expect” stuff. While there are many examples, the one that made an impression on me was her descriptions of the grieving processes based on the age of the child. As I read Ms. Edelman’s description of a young girl having to wait months after her mother died to begin the grief process because (and I paraphrase) the girl needed to know that she was in safe and comfortable place to do so,” I thought to myself, “Hey, she’s right! That’s really how it happened!”
Throughout the book, the author continues to make associations and suggestions based on her own research and that of other social scientists (end-noted) and supported by anecdotes from the motherless daughters she interviewed. I particularly appreciated the description of the “Four Types of Fathers” in the chapter entitled “Daddy’s Little Girl.”
My concern about “Motherless Daughters” is Ms. Edelman’s almost incessant implication that when a girl loses her mother, there’s not much that can be done and the girl will suffer. When the motherless daughter experiences menarche, her mother will not be there and the girl will be sad. When the motherless daughter loses her virginity, her mother will not be there and the girl will be sad. When the motherless daughter gets married, her mother will not be there and the girl will be sad. When the motherless daughter has her first child, well, you know. And, that’s not the worst of it! As a result of these and other events, the motherless daughter may run a great risk of being socially maladjusted, may seek the wrong kind of men, may turn to same-sex relationships, may become an impotent parent, and so forth. Although Edelman suggested an heroic father or an aunt or grandmother who could serve as a second-best surrogate mother may help to some extent, it did not appear that there were many effective solutions to prevent the likely psychological damage Ms. Edelman suggested a motherless daughter will almost certainly experience.
I did appreciate the author’s suggestion of enlisting a doula when the motherless daughter navigates birthing her children. The practical benefit of a doula to talk with the otherwise inexperienced and resource-less motherless and pregnant woman would include breast feeding tips and dealing with post-partum depression. However, there seemed to be little else in the way of coping skills.
A daughter’s loss of her mother is among the most tragic, traumatic events anyone can imagine. Heck, fairytales often use the event and images to create an untenable situation for the protagonist, e.g., Snow White and Cinderella. However, whether we want to admit it or even think about it, one person’s death does not mean that all life ends. It’s doesn’t. In the end, each person has to make the decision whether to move forward and find ways to live a happy, fulfilled life, or not. Even a motherless daughter.
In the final chapter entitled “The Female Phoenix,” Edelman offers hope. She postulates motherless daughter may experience “an environment without limits…(which) provides freedom necessary for individual growth” where the “tragedy…can be a springboard for creativity and growth, and for working that tragedy out in very healthy ways.” Examples of motherless daughters include Dorothy Wordsworth, Harriet Beecher Stowe, Charlotte and Emily Bronte, Jane Addams, Marie Curie, Gertrude Stein, Eleanor Roosevelt, and Marilyn Monroe, among others. Edelman’s final line is, “a motherless daughter can emerge from the tragedy, and take flight,” evidently like these high-achieving motherless daughters. The statement is valid, but a part of me isn’t sure the author believes much can be done to affect that outcome.
5 Stars Great gift item
This item was a gift for a friend. Shipping was perfect item was perfect and my friend has really like this book. Thank you so much!
4 Stars Rewarding
There is so much lost when a daughter looses a Mother.
So many lessons to be learned at every stage and age that are gone in a moment. What seemed like forever is just a glimmer in time when looking back.
There is nothing like a Mother..
This was a gift to me from a friend that had lost her Mother a few years before and I keep it by my bedside. It is a comfort to know that you are not alone in Loss.
Thank you Steph…
Filed under: Personal Development Book Reviews