Loving Him without Losing You: How to Stop Disappearing and Start Being Yourself
Loving Him without Losing You: How to Stop Disappearing and Start Being Yourself
Do you frequently find yourself putting your lover’s needs ahead of your own? Do you tend to lose yourself in your romantic relationships? Have you ever neglected your career, your friends, or even your health while in the midst of a love affair?
If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, you are not alone. As with millions of women who are otherwise strong and independent, the dream of a loving, intimate relationship may often seduce you into sacrificing crucial parts of your identity—whether it’s your social life, your time alone, your spiritual practice, or your beliefs and values.
Now, in this landmark book, internationally acclaimed psychotherapist Beverly Engel dispels the silence surrounding the Disappearing Woman Syndrome. Although the Disappearing Woman—one who loses herself in her romantic relationships—is widely thought to be a throwback, in fact, more than seventy-five percent of all women today are affected by this pervasive and disturbing syndrome. Loving Him without Losing You presents the first compelling, contemporary examination of the intricate reasons why so many women submerge themselves in their relationships with men—and offers a straight-forward program that women can use to free themselves from the powerful grip of this all-too-common problem.
Drawing on her twenty-five years of experience counseling women and families, Engel weaves together an insightful and provocative examination of the biological, cultural, and psychological influences on both sexes, giving us an astonishing look at what predisposes so many women to disappear in their relationships. She also outlines a complete program featuring dozens of empowering exercises and proactive steps along with several quizzes to determine if and to what degree you suffer from the Disappearing Woman Syndrome—all to help you rediscover yourself as a Woman of Substance.
Among the strategies in this book are the SEVEN COMMITMENTS Disappearing Women must make in order to maintain their sense of self in relationships:
- Learn to go slow
- Be yourself and tell the truth about yourself
- Maintain a separate life
- Stay in the present and in reality
- Don’t go changing to try to please him
- Cultivate equal relationships
- Speak your mind
Rich with the vivid, illuminating, and inspiring stories of women of all ages and walks of life who have struggled against—and triumphed over—the Disappearing Woman Syndrome, Loving Him without Losing You is a remarkable book that has the power to dramatically change your life for the better.
Acclaim for Loving Him without Losing You
“This remarkably helpful book offers new insights into why so many women surrender their individuality in relationships. Its strategies for relating fulfillingly to a man can rescue even the most vulnerable woman from sacrificing herself on the altar of love. Don’t wait until your hair is on fire to read it.”—Maxine Schnall, founder and Executive Director of Wives Self Help, the first marital hotline in America, and author of Limits and Every Woman Can Be Adored
“This book clearly explains why so many women find themselves in fantasy marriages and romances with real men. Beverly Engel urges women to think, evaluate, and risk rejection before they repeatedly jump into the same trap. In a gentle voice, she offers commonsense guidelines for telling the truth, learning to trust perceptions, and using solitude.”—Evelyn Streit Cohen, M.S., M.A., marriage and family therapist and coauthor of Couple Fits: How to Live with the Person You Love
“This is a book of depth and power. I highly recommend it not only to women who lose themselves in their relationships with men but to the parents of adolescent girls who need to be taught how to view themselves as valuable beings separate from their relationships with men and boys.”—Michael Gurian, author of The Good Son: Shaping the Moral Development of Our Boys and Young Men and A Fine Young Man
“A terrific book, written with authority and sensitivity to men as well as women. . . . Full of useful, fresh information.”—Bradley Gerstman, Esq., Christopher Pizzo, C.P.A., and Rich Seldes, M.D., authors of What Men Want and Marry Me!
“When I was in college, we were all Disappearing Women . . . . If we all had had this book, our lives might have turned out much differently. Buy it for yourself or someone you love.”—Randi Kreger, coauthor of Stop Walking on Eggshells
“Loving Him without Losing You is a wonderful resource and guide to finding oneself and to tapping into creativity as a part of one’s foundation for a life well lived.”—Lucia Capacchione, Ph.D., author of Visioning: Ten Steps to Designing the Life of Your Dreams and The Creative Journal
“Powerful wisdom and insight . . . . Unlike so many others, Beverly Engel doesn’t take the easy way out by blaming men but instead she explores the phenomenon from a biological, cultural, and psychological perspective and offers women empowering suggestions as to how to take responsibility for changing their situation.”—Patti McDermott, author of How to Talk to Your Husband, How to Talk to Your Wife
“Groundbreaking, provocative, and substantial, this book will light the fire of every woman who seeks true intimacy and strength.”—Salli Rasberry, coauthor of Living Your Life Out Loud
User Ratings and Reviews
1 Stars Deceptive Reviews
I bought this book thinking it would be helpful in my marriage. My husband is a wonderful man, but very strong in his opinions. I thought reading this book would help me to be more firm in my own opinions when they differ from his. Instead it was a book that told women to separate themselves from their spouse in finances and in their personal lives! The number one cause for divorce in the first 5 years in America is money problems and having separate account inflames those issues. I would not recommend this book to any of my friends! This book is only for emotionally abused women. The average women looking for some tips on how to improve their marriage should not read this. It was a complete waste of my money.
5 Stars Very timely and important!!!
I was lucky enough to run into this book at a local bookstore. It turned out to be exactly what I needed. It was very comforting to read that even strong accomplished women even end up dissapearing in a relationship or marriage. The equation gets even more complicated when kids arrive (although the book doesnt go into having children too much and focuses mainly on staying your own person in a relationship). I think most women are good hearted and try to do it all (husband, kids, home, education, career, advancement) but our instincts are set up to play a more nurturing role at the expense of our own selves. This book explains how nurturing yourself first will give you a much better outcome than nurturing your husband/significant other first. And more importantly it shows you how to become a woman of substance and not just a pushover living in the shadow of your mate.
5 Stars It’s for Everyone
I only wish I could go back and give this to my grandmother and her mother and her mother. This book is for everyone: single, married, divorced…women of all ages and men too who may want to understand how some strong woman he fell in love with is now compromised and pitiful. This book will help you recognize your needs and how to meet them yourself. And it will help you understand what happened to yourself and how to get you back! I highly recommend it. I’m buying a copy for my mom right now
5 Stars so glad I found this book!
I am in the middle of reading this book and had to pause and share how much it is already helping me. With this book I’m definitely having an “A-HA” moment. So many of the things I’m reading in this book I identify with. No matter how informed, independent or self-assured I feel about myself I still find myself falling into the same patterns with my relationships. I have definitely been a ‘disappearing woman’ in relationships and refuse to continue this pattern!
5 Stars One of the best
I’ve heard it said that the most important relationship a person can have is the one they have with themselves. It’s that bit of wisdom that is at the heart of this book. It isn’t some glib, flavor-of-the-moment, one-size-fits-all typical relationship book. It won’t ask you to play by any “rules” or tell you that men are from a different planet or show you how to figure out if a guy is into you or not. The danger with those books is that they are too superficial and general and in the wrong hands can do much more harm than good. Just look at some of their reviews and you’ll see what I mean.
I suspect that there isn’t a woman out there who has picked up one of those books who would not be much better served by reading this one instead. Almost all women have some propensity to lose themselves in their romantic relationships with men and when those relationships fail or become unsatisfying they want to know why it happened. Ms. Engel tells us that we have to look within ourselves to find those answers.
The bad news is that finding those answers takes work. The good news is that it can be done and I guarantee that if you read this book you will start to find out more about yourself than you ever will by reading the current self-help best seller.
Most of us are so focused on our relationships with men that we neglect the one with have with ourselves. This book will help you get back in touch with who you are as a person. It shifts the focus from men back onto ourselves and helps us find ways to become fully realized, individual adult human beings. It’s only by doing this that we can prepare ourselves to enter into healthier relationships with men.
One of the things that I liked the most about this book is that the author doesn’t pretend that her book is a cure-all. She recognizes that a lot of the issues she touches on go well beyond the scope of the book but she offers up lots of resources and places to turn for further assistance with those problems. She knows a lot about her subject matter and the book is well written and well researched.
Beverly Engel asks us to look inside ourselves, to accept ourselves, to change the things that need to be changed, to find our voices, express our opinions, find ways to recover from less than ideal parenting, and so much more. She shows you how to begin this process and offers help and support along the way. But doing the work is ultimately up to you.
I urge you to get your hands on a copy of this book as soon as possible. All women can benefit from it, whether you are currently in a relationship with a man or not. I am so glad that I found it.
Filed under: Personal Development Book Reviews